Forgiveness

I hate that lesson in church where it talks about forgiveness.  I have always thought it odd that someone had to forgive someone else for something so silly as looking at them wrong or not speaking to them.  I have said in my brain and sometimes to the person I am sitting next to, “Wow that must be just horrible.”  Why do I feel that way?  Is it wrong to think that is silly?  Could I please borrow your shoes to walk in because I have had to work on forgiveness many times in my life?  

I know that Jesus suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane and died on the Cross at Calvary for me, but most of the time I feel unworthy to accept those gifts from our Father in Heaven.  Some might wonder why you can know something yet not feel like you are able to welcome it into your heart.  I guess the answer is forgiveness. 

The most important person you have to forgive is the person that looks back to you in the mirror.  It is not the person that gave you the stink eye, the person that offended you, or did not say hi.  This is not to say you should not forgive others, but I think that is easier to do than to forgive ourselves It is you!  Why because that person truly needs the forgiveness.   . 

 Yet somewhere in my brain I know this, but my heart falls short every time.  This has one issue has come up many times in the last few week.  I then start playing the, “if only I did this,” “if only I could have done that,” game.  I start blaming myself to decisions that I had no or little control of.  I know I could not or cannot change some of those circumstances yet the only person I blame is myself. 

This does not mean I am not at fault, because I am not close to being perfect, but I also cannot control outcomes to situations that I feel I need to.  Again the person that gets hurt in this situation is often myself because I don’t listen to my brain.  I know what to do and I do say in my out loud word, “Jesus, please help.”  However, as soon as those words are said and I lay my burdens at his door.  I quickly pick them up and move away from the door.   I won’t answer my door to let the Savior come in and give him my burdens. 

I would tell my friends that is what you have to do.  I know I have told my children that is what they need to do.   I know I have given lessons on letting the Savior into your life and help with those burdens.  Yet, I am not able to.  The reason is forgiveness.  Not forgiving others but myself and it is not for the huge mistakes I have made.  I was and still am able to do that.  It is for the little things, which now have turned big.  These are the things that are out of my control and yet I still want to control them.

So what I can do?  I think I am like most people where I understand the concept of the Atonement.  I just do not know how it works for me.  It is good enough for all of mankind except me.  This does not make sense in my head or my heart.   I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father, He created my soul, and He loves me.  Just plain Flo, someone who is not going to be anyone important but a normal person.  My older Brother loves me.  He did what He could to make sure I can live with Him. 

So my goal is to remember who I am and where I come from.  I will work on forgiving myself because I need to practice that for me.  I am worth it.  To knock on the door and wait for the Savior to open it, then actually hand Him my burdens and not take them back.  Not knocking and running away with my heavy load.